I, Queer: 8 Things I’ve Actually Said on Dates

Sometimes to move forward you have to look back. Here are words that actually came out of my mouth as a woman-dating woman.

1. “I did not dress up on a Saturday night just to eat at The Pita Pit.”

I stubbornly waited outside in my dress and heels while she ordered her precious pita lined with gold and unicorn glitter. We did not turn out to be compatible.

2. “Good thing you’re not a serial killer. I hope.”

She took me on a walk along a deserted, isolated lake at night–just the two of us–in pitch black dark. I think she was trying to be romantic. I was wondering who would eventually discover my body.

3. “I think there’s been a misunderstanding.”

She invited me to a baseball game and said she would take care of everything, which apparently meant showing up at the stadium with no tickets, no cash and no plan other than to have me negotiate with a scalper and pay for the tickets myself. #HomeRun

4. “Can I borrow your phone to call the police?”

While parked outside her apartment, someone broke into my car and stole the stereo. Her first response: “Well, you must have left your door unlocked.”

5. “I think she’s making out with that girl she met when we first got here.”

My date invited me to join her and her friends at a dance club. One of the friends later saw me standing alone and asked where my date was.

6. “Oh, I see you printed out my emails…and highlighted parts of them.”

She said on first dates she liked to review and recap conversations and backgrounds. She was carrying a clipboard.

7. “What does ‘adjacent to your boyfriend’ mean?”

On our second date she told me she had a boyfriend. I said that’s cool for her, but just not my scene. She responded, “Oh it’s not like that. I see you as being adjacent to my boyfriend.”

8. “No, I’m not Chinese.”

I can’t even.

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