The 10 Seattle Lesbians You Meet on OKCupid
“In the online dating system, socially awkward offenses are considered especially heinous. In Seattle, the dedicated daters who experience these felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Hiccup Unit. These are their stories.”
#1 – Jacqui, 22. Recent transplant from upstate NY, engineer at Amazon. Wears zipped hoodies 363 days a year. Eats burritos every day for lunch but is always down for getting some good carnitas before the game. Team Pinoe. Came out at the age of 5. Saw you on Tinder too but didn’t swipe right because she didn’t want it to be weird.
#2 – Lynn, 38. Wore favorite Marshawn Lynch jersey in profile photo but wants you to know she isn’t one of those bandwagon Hawk fans. Shares custody of a min pin named Alex, a chihuahua named Lucky and Seattle Storm season tickets with her ex-girlfriend; it was drama at first — especially when she started dating other people — but they get along now. Isn’t sure about this whole online dating thing, I mean, how embarrassing!
#3 – Jennifer, 36. Has 12 profile photos, all of them hotel and/or dressing room selfies. Travels a lot for work, doing pharmaceutical something something something. Picks you up in her white Audi S6, buys you dinner at Altura, fucks you senseless and then disappears for 7 weeks. Probably has a husband and three kids outside of Chicago.
#4 – Dana, 30. Vegan organic farmer on Vashon Island. Surprisingly long fingernails. Still lives with her much older ex-wife and their two children. It’s complicated. Doesn’t own a TV but subscribes to Hulu so she can watch “The Path”. Wants more children and is open to a relationship but isn’t sure what that might look like at the moment. Have you seen “Food Chains”?
#5 – Brittany, 20. Is actually a 55-year-old straight white man. Stole photos of some UW student off of Facebook. Answered “ask me later lol” under every section. Sends messages like “hey” and “u sexy”, except when a real lesbian responds and he gets so excited he forgets he’s supposed to be 20. And queer. And female.
#6 – Gracie, 41. Avid cyclist and hiker. Seattle needs more bike lanes. Bought a three bedroom house in Columbia City; gentrification sucks but what can she do. Lives with her yellow lab Poncho. Makes a shitload of money renting out her extra rooms on Airbnb but really does it because she’s lonely after her last break-up. Looking forward to #optingout on Black Friday this year.
#7 – Maria, 56. Therapist. Has private practice on First Hill. Ties her own bow ties. Runs into people she knows but never introduces you so you stand there holding a bag of Thai takeout, wondering if they’re her client or ex. Always smells like a combination of Calvin Klein perfume and printer paper. Corrects your grammar and thinks she’s being flirty. Answered 318 questions yet somehow matches with everyone at 10%.
#8 – Jody, 34. Aries. Refuses to date Scorpios. Moved here from Portland 8 years ago to be with her boyfriend, Jeff. He’ll always be an important person in her life. Part-time photographer, part-time bartender, full-time volunteer at Northwest Film Forum. Won’t tell you where or what her first tattoo is. Her roommate Jeff (but not that Jeff) never wipes down the kitchen counters and it’s super frustrating. Going to disable her profile soon.
#9 – Lee, 25. Boi. Smokes, but only when drinking. Thinking of going back to school or starting a tater tot casserole food truck in Costa Rica. Has 9372 Instagram followers. Holds door open for you because they like to be chivalrous and check out your ass. Uses Snapchat filters ironically. Keeping a low profile for now. Can’t see “likes” so send a message!
#10 – Kate, 29. Professional grant writer for non-profits. Played field hockey at Simon Fraser but now shortstop in three different softball leagues. Starting to feel like she’s outgrown the Wildrose and is soooo done with the Seattle dating scene. Has a 12-year-old cat she adopted in college with her dorm roommate (first girl she ever kissed). Doesn’t believe in using shift key or punctuation when texting. Can’t meet Saturday – has GRE prep class.